I Have All F's

Here at Canterbury University every student starts their semesters off with zero percent in each class. Every paper I write is a big goose egg until the professor reads it, finds my arguments, finds my evidences, and allots me points accordingly. Also, points are not deducted from an exam; your score is not one hundred minus how ever much you screwed up. Instead, your tests are zeros until the professor finds evidence that you deserve more points which are subsequently added up from zero. Then, throughout the course of the semester points are totaled, and the resultant total is your grade.

This, to me, seems like a much better way of doing grades. It is a positive feedback system, one where you feel as though you are making the difference for your grade with each amount of work you put into a paper or studying for an exam. The understanding is that your effort is what counts, not your abilities to not screw up.

When discussing this system of grading with others here at Canterbury University I started thinking about how I view my relationship with God. I feel like most my life, my Christian life, has been too focused on not screwing up. I have, at times, found myself consumed with not doing the wrong things. Also, sometimes I find myself consumed with doing the ‘right things’—appearing the right way, using the right language, reading the right books, going to the right churches—which really just act as a silly guise when in reality they are the same as not doing the ‘wrong things’.

Grace is a term commonly thrown around in Christian circles. ‘Saved by Grace’ is a phrase which few followers of Christ would hesitate to identify with. But perhaps my understanding of being saved by grace has gotten a little skewed somewhere in the journey. When I think of being saved by grace, sometimes I think that my idea of this is being taken to from zero to one hundred—and then the goal is not to screw up. Then, when inevitably I do screw up, where does that leave me?

There are several implications of being afraid of ‘messing up’ all the time. The first of which is that we are thereby bound by fear. We become slaves to legalism and render ourselves less able to function as someone who really is saved by grace. Also, I often find myself feeling like I am earning my way into good standing with God. That by being disciplined and not screwing up I am assuring that grace is still mine, which defeats the whole purpose.

Instead, I think that grace is always there, and instead of ‘getting’ grace we ‘accept’ it. It is free for the taking, always beckoning us to just rest in it. And then instead of fighting against the chains of legalism and self perpetuation we become free. Free to bask in the radiant grace which blankets us, free to turn in thankfulness for this grace and free to assume the identity which was always meant for us.

Don’t get me wrong, I think that church, a good book, some discipline, or things that can be considered 'good things' are sometimes just that, good things. Actually, I think they can be some of the most beautiful things that we can experience, but when they become our relationship with Jesus, when they become our way of earning grace, we have rendered them useless.