Love, Love, Love.

There is more often than not a feeling that I am not myself. That there is another me. Moreover, that there is a me that I was supposed to be and that there is some sort of fraud that I am trapped being and left wondering who that other person is. This stems from a myriad of personality disorders: I care too much about what other people think, I am obsessed with the aesthetic, I lack confidence. Those of you who know me pretty well probably understand a lot of what I am saying. For those of you who only kind of know me, this might come as a bit of a shock. You see, these characteristics of mine necessarily lead me to present to you the best me I can conjure up...well, when I'm not too freaked out that you might not like the me I present. I struggle with balancing relationships. I always feel like I am abandoning or letting others down when I move from one place to another, in and out of lives and communities. I can't seem to figure out how show love to my girlfriend, my family, my friends, YoungLife kids, random people...anyone really. And, rereading that sentence I notice that the problem is intrinsic in the question itself. I wrote, I can't figure out how to show love. Was love really what I was desiring, I would have simply asked how I could love. However, all to often I find myself being way more caught up in showing love than actually loving. The difference, however subtle it may seem, is enormous. It is the difference between happiness and joy and between deception and honesty--it was the difference between Judas and John. You see, I understand love to be an amazing and important thing. I certainly give it a lot of lip service and really, I do desire it and to serve others through love. I understand God to be love and I am sure that His ways are worth seeking. Still, somehow I've gotten caught up in the presentation, in the motion and the patterns. As the expressions of my love continue to change and mature I can't seem to kick this hindering veil of image. Surely there is not perfect love outside of that of the Father and I can't expect to ever possess such a thing but I desire deeply to throw off what hinders and I have for a while now known that my quest for the appearance of love is problematic. Because of the freedom I experience by grace, I will work to know what authentic love is. I will take steps to feel, understand and accept perfect love. And I have hope that these steps, repeated endlessly, will give this life and love a passion and purpose.


I share all this to expose myself; to expose this imposter I see too often and rediscover who I was meant to be, and to make some of my old patterns more difficult and to continue to work towards letting these things go moving towards the freedom of grace. I have no misconception--such a lofty goal as authentic love isn't born out of a single blog post or confession. Rather, the things of God are beautifully elusive and it is my hope that this is just a part of the journey or a page of the conversation.

From the Mundane to the Sacred

We watched Rob Bell's Nooma video entitled 'breathe' tonight at Campaigners. For those of you unfamiliar, Rob Bell is pastor of Mars Hill Church in Grandville, Michigan and the Nooma series are a collection of sermonettes delivered by Rob and a first rate crew of cinematographers. They are excellent videos and Rob Bell has an amazing and unique heart for the world and for God. Oh, and Campaigners is a sort of small group for YoungLife.

In the video Rob Bell talks about the name of God in Hebrew. YHWH. These for letters seem to not go together all that well in English, namely because they are missing vowels, and it turns out that they also don't really go together that well in Hebrew either. In fact, the Hebrew pronunciation isn't all that different from the English. Not Ya-way like some would say, but yhwh. Say it to yourself once or twice right now phonetically. yhwh. It sort of sounds like breathing doesn't it? This name was ascribed to God by the Hebrews precisely because it does sound like breathing. That way every muttered breath is like breathing the name of God. This means that the name of God, yhwh, is constantly on our lips—even when we are not aware. Yhwh is on our lips even when we are studying or jogging or cooking. The first thing we do when brought into this world is speak yhwh. And the last thing we do before we die is the same; we speak yhwh.

God isn't so far away. Really, it's about looking, listening, feeling, smelling and tasting for God. We have been gifted with a myriad of senses which make up the human experience and I would argue that we are given these to experience God.

Makes everyday seem a bit more important. A bit more meaningful. A bit more sacred.

Hot off the Press

A group of us are heading to Juarez, Mexico this Christmas break to build a house (see post below). In order to do so we need to cover all the expenses of the trip and building costs—some $8,000—and we are working hard to get there. I’ve made 100 shirts to sell as part of the fund raising effort. They are incredibly comfortable American Apparel t’s printed with Brianne’s amazing design on them.



The shirts say ‘Dale le Mano,’ which translates to ‘lend a hand.’ Our goal really is summed up in that simple phrase. We want to lend a hand and make a difference for a family. The shirts come in the six color combinations seen above and sizes, S, M, L and XL, all men's sizes (but the ladies haven't been forgotten, I'm told men's small and medium American Apparel t's are perfect for you too). If you would like to help support our trip or by some t-shirts please comment on my blog or write me an email at Ehaagenson@msn.com. They are $16 a piece, $6 of which goes towards the cost of the shirt and $10 goes strait towards construction costs in Mexico. Also, if you are going on the trip and you want to help me sell some of these shirts, let me know and I can send them to you. Thank you for your prayers and support.