Solemn Joy

Even though I saw "Tears of the Sun" on my seventeenth birthday (first legal R rated movie) and didn't like it, I quite enjoyed this article from relevantmagazine.com. I thought it articulated well the relationship between privilege and action. It is not always clear how we can be joyful while so many cannot imagine it.

Better Late Than Never

This post is a little less than timely, in fact I probably would have been docked a letter grade or two had this been an assignment, but seeing as today is Brianne and mine’s 8th montheversary (yes we count every month, and yes we made that word up) and because the things others had to say when the last Quarter Life dropped were so amazing I felt compelled to respond. The string of posts involving this topic are spawned from the creation of the ‘Quarter Life’—a series of blogs written from their quarter life perspective—created by Bryce and Aaron.

First, you should read these other Quarter Life blogs about romantic relationships:
Bryce Perica
Aaron Boeke and Aaron's Rd. two
Brianne Fowler

Then you should know that my views of relationships come distinctly from my experiences with them and yours may be different. Never would I assume that my thoughts should be yours or visa versa. Think of what is said in this post more like a conversation than statement.

Romantic relationships have long been a mystery to me, which isn’t too terribly surprising because I spent a lot more time going camping, climbing on top of buildings and eating during my teenage years than pursuing dating type relationships. I am not sure why I dated so little during that time, perhaps it was the fact that I had great friends whom I was completely content hanging out with, maybe it was because I was a bit afraid of girls and intimacy or perhaps it was because I was a bit awkward when it came to the ladies. Probably, d) all of the above. I don’t wish that I had dated more during that time, nor do I regret any of the relationships or attempted relationship prior to the one I am in now since all those things have played a part in my relationship education and have uniquely affected my views of relationships as well as my relationship with Brianne today. Since it is all a process of learning, discovering and understanding I think that there is an opportunity to learn and be positively affected by every relationship as we strive to learn intimacy in other relationships—both romantic and otherwise.

Actually, when I look back to what I know of relationships I realize that I have learned, perhaps vicariously (hopefully that’s not creepy), through the relationships of my good friends. Chris and Amanda taught me a lot during high school about what it means to delight in each other, to love with abandonment, to not make it weird for me to be a constant third wheel since we were basically a tricycle. Bryce and Kate have shown me what it means to love someone without conditions, to persevere, to seek to worship God in their relationship. Travis and Rachael have shown me what it means to overcome and to see one another with God’s perspective. This is just to mention a few of the relationships which have helped me learn along the way. Also, I have learned through the endless wisdom of unabashed friendships and honest sharing with many, many others.

I related well to the formulaic approach to relationships which Aaron described in his post. For me the equation for a relationship had just a few elements. It involved a girl, some sort of pursuit which usually equaled me becoming disinterested or distancing myself before I felt too rejected. Yes, mature I know. Yet these relationships, or whatever you want to call them, still managed to teach me some things. And the combination of the wisdom from my friends, healthy marital relationships I saw, what God had to say through the bible and my own experiences with 'dating' got me to a point of understanding a few months back. Defeated by some of the frivolity I saw in my relational pursuits I found myself coming to terms with singleness. I found myself really seeing singleness as a blessing and thought that a period of singleness like Aaron wrote about, no matter how long, isn’t something to run from but something that deserves embracing.

The consequences of this pattern of thinking allowed me to change the way in which I approached relationships with girls. I no longer immediately checked for compatibility in each girl I met and I no longer pursued relationships that I knew would be frivolous. There was quite a peace from understanding that I didn’t have to seek a relationship.

It was this understanding which allowed my thought pattern and my actions to change enough so that I could actually discover the real fruits of a relationship. It was when I gave up on forcing something or trying to create a relationship and allowed myself to act authentically that I was able to be in one.

Being in this relationship has taught me more than I thought there was to learn. I have been encouraged and challenged to have a heart like Jesus’ each and every day. I have learned what it means to have patience in distance, I have been taught what it means to love unabashedly, I have been shown how to work through fears and anxieties to strive towards intimacy. It has been a process of coming together and of seeking intimacy (which is something that must be fiercely sought for). Since it took me the better part of 20 years to figure out how to get myself into the right mindset to even begin a relationship I am assuming that the road of learning about actually being in a relationship will also be a long one. Long, but amazing. I have found that each day is a new one, a new chance to learn and a new chance to love better. I have found that really there cannot be a formula for relationships, there cannot be a certain code of conduct, and that the wisdom of others, however helpful, will never replace experience and working towards something so awesome with a person I care about so deeply.

The beauty of an invested relationship, one where both people are trying their best to put the other first, cannot be translated into words. It is something more challenging and amazing than I could have thought.

Brianne posted yesterday with a quote that really captures Christ’s love and what I strive for in our relationship. Like anything worth doing, it is not always easy, but it has been adventure that I have loved and a journey I am excited to continue.

Proofs, Poetry, Precepts and Proverbs

I grew up thinking myself a logical and critical thinker, someone who is more thrilled in facts, proofs and science than literature, music or art. When I thought about great thinkers names like Newton, Hawking or Galileo came to mind. I could easily navigate my way through a calculus test and was always a bit less excited to try and ‘express myself’ artistically. My talents molded my interests (naturally) and as my academics became consumed with algorithms, equations and lemmas the way I worshiped God became limited to this same style of thought.

I wanted an algorithm or equation which would define my relationship with him. I wanted Paul to tell me how I could make worshipping God as easy as arithmetic. I wanted Jesus to tell me the kingdom of heaven is like integration—once you’ve got it you got it. Instead what I am told is the Kingdom of Heaven is like a treasure hidden in a field, a mustard seed, a merchant looking for fine pearls or yeast—just to note a few of Jesus’ parables. The more I read the bible the more I realize that when trying to describe the Kingdom of Heaven, heavenly truths or God himself, writers tended to employ parable, poetry and proverb, and I found myself frustrated never finding a concrete answer to my questions.

The more that I tried to place God inside of the parameters of some sort of equation the more I found that he slipped outside of them. The more I tried to understand and control God the more he showed himself to be vastly beyond my understanding. ‘Ok,’ I thought to myself, ‘I need to be as good as I possibly can be.’ But then I really read the gospels and found that Jesus was more likely to be in the company of hookers, robbers and frauds. I was confused. ‘Well then,’ my powers of intellect were really carrying me at this point, ‘I just need to be a hooker or a robber.’ But somehow that didn’t make much sense either.

The creative influences of countless people who have understood much better than I have helped me to see that it—following Jesus—isn’t about knowing. It isn’t about having the right answers, and that actually God tends to fall out of our pocket when we just keep him there to pull out and employ when we want the rain to stop or we want a promotion or we want to appear godly. I am learning that it is about worship: that worship is the only thing that I feel I can return to a God so unfathomable, a God without boundaries, a God who turns water into wine, a God who seems to skirt definitions, a God greater than logic.

I have read that there are many ways to worship and experience God, and one of these ways is through mysticism. When I heard that word—mysticism—I thought of crystal balls or Ms. Cleo exclaiming, ‘Call me now!’ in a boisterous Jamaican accent or that book Indian in the Cupboard (not sure why). Instead I am learning that mysticism is not just a thing for gypsies or miniature people, but that I have much to learn from mystical thinkers.

The theologian G.K. Chesterton illustrates the poets (or mystics) approach saying that, “The poet only asks to get his head into the heavens. It is the logician that seeks to get the heavens into his head.” Mysticism is the acknowledgement that many things about God are a mystery to us, a divine mystery, and we can only hope to receive glimpses of heavenly things. Never can we expect to surmise the same power as God, knowing all he knows. We can learn about God, read stories about what he has done and even hear testimonies of his character from those around us but never can we fully understand something so vastly beyond us. Many writers of the bible speak of God not in prose but in poetry because they know that heavenly truths are so great, so immense in size and perfection that they cannot be captured by our minds; we can only hope to align our understanding more with God’s.

The more I quit trying to pin God down, place him in my ‘Things I understand about this world’ category, quit trying to make him a function or equation, the more I understand just how vast and perfect and beautiful and awesome and deserving of my worship he is.

I have always understood that God was unfathomable to us, but it acted as just another piece of the equation instead of actual worship. I know now that when I see the vastness of a mountain range in Fiordland National park, when I see the awesomeness of the glaciers adorning Mt Sefton, when I read the poetry of George MacDonald, when I feel a certain song, when I hear of Davy, Swede, and Rube’s adventures in Peace Like a River, when a meal is shared with those I love, that all these things can all be making me aware of the divine mystery, the wholly, holy incomprehensibly perfect; that at times God comes nearer, that he allows me to experience him and turn in worship for it. I am learning that experiencing and worshipping God is usually more like gazing through a heavenly window than placing him into our logical box.

Reason, logic and knowledge are great and they are something that I still pursue. Understanding how amazingly complex a photon is surely makes me turn and appreciate a Being creative and powerful enough to brings something like this about. Learning how mathematics as a discipline can model almost all that we know about our physical universe certainly excites my heart to know a Creator immense and perfect enough to accomplish this. Yet, still, nothing can define God, nothing can capture him. And often poetry, art, music and landscape can provide us with a momentary glimpse into the heavens.


The one whom I bow to only knows to whom I bow
When I attempt the ineffable Name, murmuring Thou
-Clive Staples Lewis

Leave only footprints, take only pictures

I have returned to Christchurch after a three week hiatus from school, computers, schedules and showers. The adventure which was found cannot be aptly depicted and the stories too numerous and dear to tell in such a format. This island has God’s beauty painted all over it and I have been blessed to be able to see it. So, in lieu of written retellings here are a few pictures of this awesome little island.

Aoraki /Mt Cook, New Zealand's tallest peak

Brian getting down and dirty on the Dusky Track

Chris descending from Lake Roe Pass, Dusky Track

Aoraki/Mt Cook on a cool fall night

A bit of fun atop Mt Olivia, Mt Sefton and Mt Cook in the background

A tarn above Centre Pass, Dusky Track

Jacques with his brown trout on the Mataura River

Chris making his way across one of the many swing bridges along the Dusky Track

The glaciers of Mt Sefton illuminated by moonlight

The Mueller hut at dusk

On the Move

I have just returned from a seven day backpacking trip on the Dusky Track with six great friends from the University of Canterbury. The trail covered somewhere around 40 miles including two passes, two locks, countless tarns, unending roots and waist deep mud. It was a true delight to be able to spend that amount of time in such beautiful country feeling as though God were singing me love songs.

When I said 'returned' what I meant was temporarily landed in Queenstown. We are leaving this afternoon to see what still awaits us before we return to Christchurch next Sunday. Actually, the only reason I got a second to write was becuase I am waiting for my laundry to dry in the next room.

Extended stories and pictures should follow at a later date, but for now more adventures await.

I Have All F's

Here at Canterbury University every student starts their semesters off with zero percent in each class. Every paper I write is a big goose egg until the professor reads it, finds my arguments, finds my evidences, and allots me points accordingly. Also, points are not deducted from an exam; your score is not one hundred minus how ever much you screwed up. Instead, your tests are zeros until the professor finds evidence that you deserve more points which are subsequently added up from zero. Then, throughout the course of the semester points are totaled, and the resultant total is your grade.

This, to me, seems like a much better way of doing grades. It is a positive feedback system, one where you feel as though you are making the difference for your grade with each amount of work you put into a paper or studying for an exam. The understanding is that your effort is what counts, not your abilities to not screw up.

When discussing this system of grading with others here at Canterbury University I started thinking about how I view my relationship with God. I feel like most my life, my Christian life, has been too focused on not screwing up. I have, at times, found myself consumed with not doing the wrong things. Also, sometimes I find myself consumed with doing the ‘right things’—appearing the right way, using the right language, reading the right books, going to the right churches—which really just act as a silly guise when in reality they are the same as not doing the ‘wrong things’.

Grace is a term commonly thrown around in Christian circles. ‘Saved by Grace’ is a phrase which few followers of Christ would hesitate to identify with. But perhaps my understanding of being saved by grace has gotten a little skewed somewhere in the journey. When I think of being saved by grace, sometimes I think that my idea of this is being taken to from zero to one hundred—and then the goal is not to screw up. Then, when inevitably I do screw up, where does that leave me?

There are several implications of being afraid of ‘messing up’ all the time. The first of which is that we are thereby bound by fear. We become slaves to legalism and render ourselves less able to function as someone who really is saved by grace. Also, I often find myself feeling like I am earning my way into good standing with God. That by being disciplined and not screwing up I am assuring that grace is still mine, which defeats the whole purpose.

Instead, I think that grace is always there, and instead of ‘getting’ grace we ‘accept’ it. It is free for the taking, always beckoning us to just rest in it. And then instead of fighting against the chains of legalism and self perpetuation we become free. Free to bask in the radiant grace which blankets us, free to turn in thankfulness for this grace and free to assume the identity which was always meant for us.

Don’t get me wrong, I think that church, a good book, some discipline, or things that can be considered 'good things' are sometimes just that, good things. Actually, I think they can be some of the most beautiful things that we can experience, but when they become our relationship with Jesus, when they become our way of earning grace, we have rendered them useless.

I now stand on the other side of a test and about twenty pages of writing on various subject including; contextualized thinking in India, the origins of algebra, and the consequences of Sir Edmund Hillary on Kiwi culture. Actually, it wasn't too bad.

A little trivial knowledge: Helen Clark, the current New Zealand Prime Minister has climbed Mt Kilimanjaro...twice.

Chris' Dad got in this morning and I can't wait for the three of us to get out and see some more country! We are heading down to Fiordland National Park and are going to Hike the Routeburn track. Those who have already been there tell me it is some of the most beautiful hiking a person can do, we are all quite excited.

I am not sure if I will be able to post very frequently for a while. Finishing this mass of work marks the start of a three week break during which time I do not plan on being in front of a computer too often, perhaps occasionally though.







I like the collage idea Brianne. Here's mine: people and times that I miss.