Consumption

Though I think it's a little early to be discussing Christmas seeing as we've not yet celebrated Thanksgiving I found this video to be poignant and challenging. 

I would argue that there is no question we've lost much of the importance in celebrating the birth of our Saviour. Actually, it's notable that much of the intended meaning was deluded from the onset when church fathers syncretized pagan holiday traditions with those of the emerging christian church in order to sway potential pagan converts. And now Christmas has met consumerism and the marriage between the two has all but snuffed out the original fire and passion behind our Saviors birth. 

Admittedly, Christmas' for me have grown increasingly complicated over the past few years and have become a chaotic and emotional mix of joys and sadnesses. However, the birth of  the entity which has persevered in my life even when things which seemed constant changed, fell apart and dissipated seems well worth getting excited for. This occasion marks a birth which nations waited millennia for and an event that was undoubtedly the most anticipated and is the most significant historical event to date. 

So, despite Christmas season hesitations and my own personal baggage I will celebrate and be consumed.

It’s 2:38 am, Do You Know Where Your Head’s At?

I am sitting in the common room of flat 38—the place that I have called home for these last five months. This morning I took a three hour essay test, handed it to the instructor, walked out the door and finished my junior year of college. I threw all my clothes into bags, took all my pictures off the walls, decided what things to keep and what things to trash and all of the sudden my room was just like it was when I arrived—not mine. Tonight at dinner my Dad, Ryan, Tom, Lynn, Chris and I had a toast celebrating the trip that we have just shared and marking its end. After dinner, everyone who’s around came to the flat and we carried on just like we had throughout countless nights before and we reminisced on all the experiences and adventures we found; then, everyone left for the last time.

Today has been one of the biggest days of transition of my life. It marked the transition into my last year of college, the beginning of summer, the end of an incredible trip shared with people I love and the transition away from an entire semester abroad—something that I couldn’t hardly see beyond six months ago and something that affected me more greatly than I could have guessed. Tomorrow, actually in 2 hours I transition myself away from Christchurch, New Zealand via some 40 hours of traveling and back to Longmont, Colorado for the summer and then on to Bozeman, Montana a couple of months later for my last fall semester.

The obvious feelings of both sadness about leaving and excitement to be home again with the people I love, the same feelings which have found me at the commencement of other school years or summer camps or long trips—these feelings are present but they are different somehow. Perhaps they are the same but my approach to them is different, all I know is that something is different. I feel like there is an incredible amount of feelings somewhere that I can begin to let surface resulting quickly in a small pain in my stomach that forces me to push them back down and ignore them a while longer. I think that maybe it just isn’t time yet to fully reflect on my time here and fully anticipate the time ahead of me. Actually, I think that it is likely that my brain or some other important part of me would turn to a guacamole type consistency and texture if this were to happen, but I have tried.

I have had several prescribed attitudes towards this time of transition that I have tried my best to implement, but these efforts have proved fruitless. The first was an attempt to understand this transition is a ‘bittersweet’ one. The bitter obviously being an end to an incredibly unique time here in New Zealand that I won’t be getting back, and the sweet being eager anticipation for my return home where people who I miss dearly are, where summer adventures await and where the wedding of a great friend and a man who I admire unendingly is to take place in five days. The second prescribed attitude I tried to own was being more grateful for my time here than I am upset that it is ending, letting my feelings of thankfulness completely subdue my feelings of grief. The third attempted attitude was one of confidence; understanding that my time here was incredible, that my future holds more incredible adventures to be lived like this one and that I understood the nature of an abroad program and its unavoidable end when I came here, and that it is now just at hand.

I tried these different attitudes, I experimented with how they would make me feel, how they would organize what I am feeling and what the fallout would be and I am not satisfied. To label something bittersweet is too simple; it ignores both the bitter and the sweet by simply appointing the term ‘bittersweet’ to the feelings and assumes that they sort of cancel each other out, in a way. This isn’t fair to the intense bitter and the incredible sweet, both of which deserve to be sorted and acknowledged. While I am incredibly grateful for my time here—grateful for this unique experience which was provided me by the unending support of people I could never repay for what they have given me—letting gratefulness just overrule sadness ignores the issue again. And confidence certainly could describe the way I feel about my decision to come here and my understanding that this good thing is coming to an end while many other great things are just beginning, this still seems like an arrogant way to conveniently dismiss the great sadness which finds me as I finish this leg of my journey.

I tried on all these different attitudes as I described my sentiments to others about this transition and simply found myself frustrated with their inability to represent and appreciate everything that is rushing through my spinning head. Even as I confidently explained these attitudes and how they nicely package my mood, that creeping feeling in the pit of my stomach signaling something much more vested surged.

Maybe when I meet transitions it isn’t about a certain attitude or compartmentalization of moods/feelings/thoughts. I came to New Zealand eager to understand what was for me here and found none of what I expected while at the same time finding something more than expectations could have predicted. I came seeking serene landscape, a break from the ‘real world,’ adventure and excitement. What I found was people, relationships, adventure, excitement, serene landscape, the ‘real world,’—an adventure which can’t be broken down into bullet points of what I have learned and an experience which impacts cannot be easily identified or categorized. I have collided with an opportunity in a way that is certain to leave a mark, and I see it as a beautiful collision.

Leaving this place saddens me. It is not so much the physical location, though I will miss all that this incredible island has to offer, but it is this time, these people, this leg of the journey and the things that I have been afforded to learn by all of that.

In the midst of the deep sadness and slight fear that characterizes my feelings as I depart in a couple of hours are anxious feelings of excitement to be home. Excitement for the wedding of Bryce and Kate, excitement to see the friends I have held so close to my heart and that I have missed for five months, excitement to celebrate five months of incredible distance in my relationship with Brianne and discovering what two months in the same place can be like, and to return to the place which has always defined the word ‘home’ uniquely to me.

I sit in the waiting room of an incredible transition from an indescribably awesome chapter of life and another that I look forward to with eager anticipation. Though feelings and sentiments are mixed, though my head is spinning from trying to reflect on these last five months and the result is a small but persistent pain just below my diaphragm, I am struck by the goodness of past, present and future, and surely can appreciate the beauty of transitions…especially this one.

Really, I Can't Think About Much Else Right Now

On Friday morning at 10:20 Brianne gets here to Christchurch. It has been more than 3 months since we have last been in the same place. Our relationship has always been categorized as ‘long distance,’ but I don’t think that I quite understood just how really long ‘long’ can be. We have fought hard to have a presence in each other’s lives despite an amazing amount of distance and different settings. It has not always been entirely easy to communicate through emails, phone calls and letters but our connection, I have found, is beyond verbal or written communication. We have found the understanding and peace comes from God through prayer, and though I have not always been completely diligent he has always been faithful. This semester has been hard, yet difficult times have the potential to produce fruits and we have worked hard to ensure that this semester will be a fruitful one.

Friday morning will be the first time in three months I have seen Brianne, the first time in three months that I have gotten that subtle reassurance that a smile provides and a time to share in an adventure here in this place and somehow I know that because of the trial which these three months has been it will be all the better.

Better Late Than Never

This post is a little less than timely, in fact I probably would have been docked a letter grade or two had this been an assignment, but seeing as today is Brianne and mine’s 8th montheversary (yes we count every month, and yes we made that word up) and because the things others had to say when the last Quarter Life dropped were so amazing I felt compelled to respond. The string of posts involving this topic are spawned from the creation of the ‘Quarter Life’—a series of blogs written from their quarter life perspective—created by Bryce and Aaron.

First, you should read these other Quarter Life blogs about romantic relationships:
Bryce Perica
Aaron Boeke and Aaron's Rd. two
Brianne Fowler

Then you should know that my views of relationships come distinctly from my experiences with them and yours may be different. Never would I assume that my thoughts should be yours or visa versa. Think of what is said in this post more like a conversation than statement.

Romantic relationships have long been a mystery to me, which isn’t too terribly surprising because I spent a lot more time going camping, climbing on top of buildings and eating during my teenage years than pursuing dating type relationships. I am not sure why I dated so little during that time, perhaps it was the fact that I had great friends whom I was completely content hanging out with, maybe it was because I was a bit afraid of girls and intimacy or perhaps it was because I was a bit awkward when it came to the ladies. Probably, d) all of the above. I don’t wish that I had dated more during that time, nor do I regret any of the relationships or attempted relationship prior to the one I am in now since all those things have played a part in my relationship education and have uniquely affected my views of relationships as well as my relationship with Brianne today. Since it is all a process of learning, discovering and understanding I think that there is an opportunity to learn and be positively affected by every relationship as we strive to learn intimacy in other relationships—both romantic and otherwise.

Actually, when I look back to what I know of relationships I realize that I have learned, perhaps vicariously (hopefully that’s not creepy), through the relationships of my good friends. Chris and Amanda taught me a lot during high school about what it means to delight in each other, to love with abandonment, to not make it weird for me to be a constant third wheel since we were basically a tricycle. Bryce and Kate have shown me what it means to love someone without conditions, to persevere, to seek to worship God in their relationship. Travis and Rachael have shown me what it means to overcome and to see one another with God’s perspective. This is just to mention a few of the relationships which have helped me learn along the way. Also, I have learned through the endless wisdom of unabashed friendships and honest sharing with many, many others.

I related well to the formulaic approach to relationships which Aaron described in his post. For me the equation for a relationship had just a few elements. It involved a girl, some sort of pursuit which usually equaled me becoming disinterested or distancing myself before I felt too rejected. Yes, mature I know. Yet these relationships, or whatever you want to call them, still managed to teach me some things. And the combination of the wisdom from my friends, healthy marital relationships I saw, what God had to say through the bible and my own experiences with 'dating' got me to a point of understanding a few months back. Defeated by some of the frivolity I saw in my relational pursuits I found myself coming to terms with singleness. I found myself really seeing singleness as a blessing and thought that a period of singleness like Aaron wrote about, no matter how long, isn’t something to run from but something that deserves embracing.

The consequences of this pattern of thinking allowed me to change the way in which I approached relationships with girls. I no longer immediately checked for compatibility in each girl I met and I no longer pursued relationships that I knew would be frivolous. There was quite a peace from understanding that I didn’t have to seek a relationship.

It was this understanding which allowed my thought pattern and my actions to change enough so that I could actually discover the real fruits of a relationship. It was when I gave up on forcing something or trying to create a relationship and allowed myself to act authentically that I was able to be in one.

Being in this relationship has taught me more than I thought there was to learn. I have been encouraged and challenged to have a heart like Jesus’ each and every day. I have learned what it means to have patience in distance, I have been taught what it means to love unabashedly, I have been shown how to work through fears and anxieties to strive towards intimacy. It has been a process of coming together and of seeking intimacy (which is something that must be fiercely sought for). Since it took me the better part of 20 years to figure out how to get myself into the right mindset to even begin a relationship I am assuming that the road of learning about actually being in a relationship will also be a long one. Long, but amazing. I have found that each day is a new one, a new chance to learn and a new chance to love better. I have found that really there cannot be a formula for relationships, there cannot be a certain code of conduct, and that the wisdom of others, however helpful, will never replace experience and working towards something so awesome with a person I care about so deeply.

The beauty of an invested relationship, one where both people are trying their best to put the other first, cannot be translated into words. It is something more challenging and amazing than I could have thought.

Brianne posted yesterday with a quote that really captures Christ’s love and what I strive for in our relationship. Like anything worth doing, it is not always easy, but it has been adventure that I have loved and a journey I am excited to continue.

I now stand on the other side of a test and about twenty pages of writing on various subject including; contextualized thinking in India, the origins of algebra, and the consequences of Sir Edmund Hillary on Kiwi culture. Actually, it wasn't too bad.

A little trivial knowledge: Helen Clark, the current New Zealand Prime Minister has climbed Mt Kilimanjaro...twice.

Chris' Dad got in this morning and I can't wait for the three of us to get out and see some more country! We are heading down to Fiordland National Park and are going to Hike the Routeburn track. Those who have already been there tell me it is some of the most beautiful hiking a person can do, we are all quite excited.

I am not sure if I will be able to post very frequently for a while. Finishing this mass of work marks the start of a three week break during which time I do not plan on being in front of a computer too often, perhaps occasionally though.







I like the collage idea Brianne. Here's mine: people and times that I miss.

Relationships are like peanuts, only saltier

Well, I now am 21 years of age. Do you know what was happening 21 years ago when I was born? Neither do I, I was only 0 years old. However, since lying in a baby incubator March 21, 1986, plenty has happened. I won the spell-a-thon and got a sweet Super Nintendo, graduated high school, broke my elbow bombing down a huge hill in Breckenridge, fell in love with sweatpants then quit wearing them sometime during my freshman year and now am quite fond of them again, got a trespassing ticket with the boys and developed a deep appreciation for the frisbee in all of its various forms. Somewhere along the line I also made incredible friends who have proven to be the foundation for me as I have weaved my way through the highs and lows of this life. I owe most of who I am to the persistence and patient love of those closest to me, without whom I am not sure where or who I would be.

Salt has changed the landscape of civilization by eliminating dependency on seasonal foods. Wars have even been fought over it and economies have been controlled by it for thousands of years. Salt is something which preserves as well as adds flavor. For me, my relationships with you all have proven to be the salt in my life. They have provided the strength to persevere as well as added ‘flavor’ to the dish of life. You guys have shown me, more than that you have lived what it means to love unconditionally, taking Christ’s call to love one another seriously. For those of who have seen me through the dark times and celebrated with me in victories: Thank you. I owe more to you all than can be repaid but look forward to discovering more and more the intimacy of our relationships and the beauty of community.

Queenstown has a population of somewhere in between ten and twenty thousand, depending on the season, and is one of the biggest tourist towns in New Zealand. The city basically subsists entirely off of revenue from such activities as bunjee jumping, sky diving, canyon swinging, rafting, mountain biking, sailing, speed boating, canyoneering, and it has more outdoor clothing stores than in Boulder. Really. The backdrop is lake Wakatipu—an ‘s’ shaped lake that is 900 feet deep in spots—and rugged mountains called the Remarkables. This environment certainly attracts tourists, but it also attracts young international people looking for a job, a new county, and an adventure. The result is an incredibly transient culture full of young adults ‘living the dream’.






We were fortunate enough to meet some Americans who had been living in Queenstown for the last six months or so and who showed us an incredible amount of Hospitality. Jacques, Frank, Chris and I slept on their living room floor all weekend while they were showing us their favorite spots in the area. They took us out on the town, they took us cliff jumping, they even took us cloofing—go ahead and look that one up. It was great to get to know them, hear their stories, and have some locals to show us the less touristy points of Queenstown. However, what was most incredible was their excitement for life and the willingness to open their incredibly crowded flat to us. They really taught me a lot about what it means to serve without expectations as they refused to let us repay them in any way and continually went to great lengths to ensure we had a great time. Thanks for a great weekend guys!


We also took a little late night detour North alongside lake Tekapo in search of a spot to camp. What we found was a New Zealand Alpine Club hut with no vacancy but an all too inviting living room. We proceeded to squat at the aforementioned club’s living room floor only to be awoken by 50 high school girls on a biology trip as well as some of the most incredible mountains illuminated by one of the most spectacular sunrises I have ever seen. Below are some pictures of the sunrise as well as Mt. Cook, New Zealand’s tallest peak and most sought after mountaineering adventure.

7665 Days Young...

Today, as some of you may know, is Chris' 21st birthday. That's right, the big 2-1. It seems to me that for a lot of people the 21st birthday is the big one, sort of last hurrah if you will. A chance for people to have another huge party and imbibe excessive amounts of alcohol, as if that isn't what they had been doing for at least the last 3 years. Even though the age at which one can legally buy alcohol in New Zealand is 18, the 21st birthday is still the biggest. This is because at 21 a person steps into adulthood, leaves adolescence and the teenage years behind, and in a way begins the rest of their life.

This troubles me to a certain extent because my 21st birthday is coming up in a mere 13 days and I am not sure if enough will change between now and then for me to jump off the proverbial springboard into adulthood. I think that it is the habit of some to overreact to an upcoming birthday milestone (16, 21, 30, 40, 50 ect) and to begin to worry about how old they are getting or already start fearing the future. This pattern of thought could sort of describe my reaction to turning 20 (along with a general fear of having to be more 'responsible'), but 352 after the fact I can say that not a lot changed. Sure I grew, became different, perhaps even may seem 'older', but that is a reflection of experiences and trials, not the date March 21st.

So as today is the birthday of one my greatest childhood friends and one of the most important people in my life today, I welcome it. I welcome 'growing up', new experiences, and new things to find and learn about life. I am grateful that this life changes, that with more days, weeks, months, and years come new things to be discovered around every corner. And, instead of reacting to growing up with fear and a longing to be young again, I’ll move towards age, maturity, new experiences, and new endeavors with excitement and gratefulness.