Better Late Than Never

This post is a little less than timely, in fact I probably would have been docked a letter grade or two had this been an assignment, but seeing as today is Brianne and mine’s 8th montheversary (yes we count every month, and yes we made that word up) and because the things others had to say when the last Quarter Life dropped were so amazing I felt compelled to respond. The string of posts involving this topic are spawned from the creation of the ‘Quarter Life’—a series of blogs written from their quarter life perspective—created by Bryce and Aaron.

First, you should read these other Quarter Life blogs about romantic relationships:
Bryce Perica
Aaron Boeke and Aaron's Rd. two
Brianne Fowler

Then you should know that my views of relationships come distinctly from my experiences with them and yours may be different. Never would I assume that my thoughts should be yours or visa versa. Think of what is said in this post more like a conversation than statement.

Romantic relationships have long been a mystery to me, which isn’t too terribly surprising because I spent a lot more time going camping, climbing on top of buildings and eating during my teenage years than pursuing dating type relationships. I am not sure why I dated so little during that time, perhaps it was the fact that I had great friends whom I was completely content hanging out with, maybe it was because I was a bit afraid of girls and intimacy or perhaps it was because I was a bit awkward when it came to the ladies. Probably, d) all of the above. I don’t wish that I had dated more during that time, nor do I regret any of the relationships or attempted relationship prior to the one I am in now since all those things have played a part in my relationship education and have uniquely affected my views of relationships as well as my relationship with Brianne today. Since it is all a process of learning, discovering and understanding I think that there is an opportunity to learn and be positively affected by every relationship as we strive to learn intimacy in other relationships—both romantic and otherwise.

Actually, when I look back to what I know of relationships I realize that I have learned, perhaps vicariously (hopefully that’s not creepy), through the relationships of my good friends. Chris and Amanda taught me a lot during high school about what it means to delight in each other, to love with abandonment, to not make it weird for me to be a constant third wheel since we were basically a tricycle. Bryce and Kate have shown me what it means to love someone without conditions, to persevere, to seek to worship God in their relationship. Travis and Rachael have shown me what it means to overcome and to see one another with God’s perspective. This is just to mention a few of the relationships which have helped me learn along the way. Also, I have learned through the endless wisdom of unabashed friendships and honest sharing with many, many others.

I related well to the formulaic approach to relationships which Aaron described in his post. For me the equation for a relationship had just a few elements. It involved a girl, some sort of pursuit which usually equaled me becoming disinterested or distancing myself before I felt too rejected. Yes, mature I know. Yet these relationships, or whatever you want to call them, still managed to teach me some things. And the combination of the wisdom from my friends, healthy marital relationships I saw, what God had to say through the bible and my own experiences with 'dating' got me to a point of understanding a few months back. Defeated by some of the frivolity I saw in my relational pursuits I found myself coming to terms with singleness. I found myself really seeing singleness as a blessing and thought that a period of singleness like Aaron wrote about, no matter how long, isn’t something to run from but something that deserves embracing.

The consequences of this pattern of thinking allowed me to change the way in which I approached relationships with girls. I no longer immediately checked for compatibility in each girl I met and I no longer pursued relationships that I knew would be frivolous. There was quite a peace from understanding that I didn’t have to seek a relationship.

It was this understanding which allowed my thought pattern and my actions to change enough so that I could actually discover the real fruits of a relationship. It was when I gave up on forcing something or trying to create a relationship and allowed myself to act authentically that I was able to be in one.

Being in this relationship has taught me more than I thought there was to learn. I have been encouraged and challenged to have a heart like Jesus’ each and every day. I have learned what it means to have patience in distance, I have been taught what it means to love unabashedly, I have been shown how to work through fears and anxieties to strive towards intimacy. It has been a process of coming together and of seeking intimacy (which is something that must be fiercely sought for). Since it took me the better part of 20 years to figure out how to get myself into the right mindset to even begin a relationship I am assuming that the road of learning about actually being in a relationship will also be a long one. Long, but amazing. I have found that each day is a new one, a new chance to learn and a new chance to love better. I have found that really there cannot be a formula for relationships, there cannot be a certain code of conduct, and that the wisdom of others, however helpful, will never replace experience and working towards something so awesome with a person I care about so deeply.

The beauty of an invested relationship, one where both people are trying their best to put the other first, cannot be translated into words. It is something more challenging and amazing than I could have thought.

Brianne posted yesterday with a quote that really captures Christ’s love and what I strive for in our relationship. Like anything worth doing, it is not always easy, but it has been adventure that I have loved and a journey I am excited to continue.